Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
