she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
