get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
