she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize