Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
