Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
