Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize