in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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