i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
