My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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