So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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