theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
