literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Never underestimate the power of titties
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