Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
