i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize