I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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