I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
