The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
