last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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