I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's just like the Real World with babies
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
