I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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