you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
