my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
