she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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