i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
