Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
