The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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