dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
