every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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