No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
