Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize