I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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