Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
