Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Found your dick twin last night
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
