i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
