how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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