Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
