I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
