There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
