I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I have tasted many bathrooms
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
