matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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