im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
