apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
