I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
