bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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