How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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