I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Randomize
