If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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