I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sober January is a disaster.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
