So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Sober January is a disaster.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
