How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
