Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
