I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
