when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My bed smells like the plague
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
