my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
