Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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