Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
