Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
