Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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